30-year-old experiences Schizophrenic Psychotic Break

On Friday 10 March 2023 I had a Schizophrenic Psychotic Break. I found myself laying on the floor, unable to differentiate between spiritual and mental health issues. I was meant to be going into my farewell lunch at work when everything collapsed. How did I get here?

I was pushing myself hard in many areas of life including:

• Gym challenges to be my fittest self and over exercising (came 2nd in a gym challenge which was not satisfying to me as an over-achiever). I became addicted to weight-loss and maintaining a secular standard of beauty (experienced medical negligence from a GP prescribing me medication to assist. I became addicted to the attention)

• Workplace bullying (I have been bullied in multiple workplaces, but have found through psychotherapy that this has stemmed from my childhood also)

• Financial difficulty (I was struggling to maintain a standard of living and living pay-check to pay-check and in the "red")

• Relational issues (I was longing for a Godly relationship and finding myself in emotional entanglements with others)

• Cancer scare (I have a lump on my left arm that turned out to be Vascular Tumours and with family history of cancer, I was fearful this is cancerous)

• Mental health illness (I was struggling with anxiety and overanalysing myself. I started having panic attacks at work and was unable to navigate healthy communication)

• Spiritual misalignment (I wasn't living in line with my values and was compromising on my strong, core beliefs)

• Family difficulty (my dad was wanting to euthanise in his 17-year battle with cancer at the time which also went against my core beliefs causing a rift between myself and my family. I had tried to attend psychologist appointments but found it difficult to do this whilst managing my workload)

• Call to repentance (I responded to the altar on 8 October 2023 when a preacher was sharing a message on revival and I felt the weight of the world on my shoulders which was supernatural).

Gym Balance

It is important to be cautious of these and do them healthily. I was not getting enough sleep, was running, doing weights and high intensity interval training every single day on top of a full-time work schedule. What I was doing was not sustainable. I was also taking a medication to help suppress my appetite but was not advised of the side effects and implications of the medicine. I was on it for too long and it negatively affected my brain and sleep patterns.

Bullying

I struggled navigating what I was entitled to at work and the flexibility offered to me. I found myself being berated by others in many workplaces and have found that it comes back to how I was raised and the confidence I have instilled in myself. I have varied confidence depending on the relationships I have established with people. I usually have great rapport with people and am easy to get along with, however, my contentiousness, skill and caring heart has been taken advantage of many times (both maliciously and indirectly).

Financial Strain

I have liked having nice things and worked hard to buy my first property over 4 years ago now. I read (well, nearly read all of The Barefoot Investor - Scott Pape) and saved hard to do this. I had many people supporting me in saving including family, friends and work colleagues to do this. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I could have done that. I actually had a fear of ever owning a property due to the financial stress it caused my family when the Global Financial Crisis hit and we struggled to make ends meet.

Relational Issues

I have been single my whole life, waiting for the right person, at the right time, in the right way to date/court with the intention of marriage. I had many relationships with Christian and non-Christians that I had as friends. I never intended to lead anyone on, but I've always been a person people have been able to open up to. I've always remained firm on standards like not sleeping over a male's house and not kissing until in a committed boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. I found myself getting into deep relationships with people out of pure friendship, but deeply longed for a dating relationship.

Cancer Scare

I've had a lump in my arm for what I think to be my entire life, but I left it thinking it was "tennis elbow" as many people have suggested this. The more I worked out at the gym, the more it exacerbated. I was finally able to make it into the hospital and have surgery on it this year and am still waiting for the results. Cancer scares are very anxiety provoking and cause you to catastrophise. It's important to have a good network around you.

Anxiety

I have been struggling with anxiety in many areas for a long time. I became insecure with singing (a true joy of mine) within church as people over-analysed and criticised my voice. I had become out of practice where I would sing at least 5 times a week and was only singing here and there. I also have had a quarterization on my nose to stop nose bleeds when I was in primary school, so I believe this affects my tone as well. I was classically trained, transitioned to musical theatre, pop and then Christian/gospel music.

I also experienced great anxiety in the workplace when trying to navigate flexibility to attend personal commitments. As a single woman you have priorities also such as pets, family members, friends that you should also be entitled to make. I believe just because you don't have natural kids does not mean you shouldn't have rights to make important life commitments, especially when you fairly work above and beyond what is required for you. Too many great employees are under-appreciated, under-compensated and unrecognised which causes them to be unseen, resentful and move workplaces. People deserve to be seen, appreciated and compensated.

Spiritual Misalignment

I found myself compromising on my behaviour with friends and becoming inconsistent with a desire to "fit-in". I wasn't my true and consistent self everywhere I went. I would be a certain way with church friends, work friends, gym friends, strangers, etc. I prefer closer, 1 to 1 connection, however, I can thrive in any environment depending on the level of confidence I hold. Being in this spiritual misalignment had me making choices that I regret making. I wasn't a good example of Christ and His nature to everyone.

Family Difficulty

With my father's desire to euthanise, it really rocked the boat for me. I believe our lives are in God's hand as the author and finisher of our faith (Hebrews 12). From dust we came and to dust we shall return (Genesis 3) for our bodies, but we have a spirit that is born of Christ as an incorruptible seed (1 Peter 1) in Christ where we are a new creation. I believe we are spirit, soul and body and we must yield to the spirit of God as new believers according to the new testament (2 Corinthians 5) unless you blaspheme God/renounce Him (Mark 3). The fact that my father wanted to end his life did not sit well with me as I truly believe his life has purpose beyond the pain and suffering.

When I had my psychotic break in hospital, horrific memories of being molested as a child came up (which were not followed up at the time). I was molested as a child by a cousin who was molested by her father (a convicted pedophile). I was unable to reconcile the thoughts in my mind and catastrophised over facts with the inability to decipher between what thoughts were real and what were demonic. I believe issues here were both mental and spiritual.

Prior to the psychotic break I kept wanting to prioritise spending time with family, especially my dad - to show him the love, joy and hope still ahead of him. I always had a dream of him walking me down the aisle of my wedding day, though his cancer battle has always made this seem impossible. I truly believe God has prolonged his life for a purpose and the greatest purpose of that being: love.

Call to Repentance

The church service in which I responded at the altar, no one asked for an altar call. I felt a gravitation to go up the front and weep before God, carrying the weight of generations in that moment. The preacher spoke about how revivals throughout the world started from 1 person responding and I remember in my seat, saying to God - I will be that person. I saw so many injustices and unrighteousness not only in my own life, but in everyone around me.

Rifled with anxiety, I walked to the front and laid it out to God, overcoming the fear of shame and guilt to any onlookers. I went back to my seat and I prayed for an individual who I knew had encountered many injustices and took on her demons also that night. I went home and began writing out every sin I had ever committed in hope that revival would come, however, I got stuck believing in Old Testament theology tp repent and believe the Kingdom of God is at hand and forgot the new covenant that we are in Christ.

When battling the unbelief spiritual songs such as "In Christ Alone", "The Stand" and "Who You Say I Am" helped me overcome and stand. When I wasn't focusing on these songs, I'd fall to the ground in hysterics. The day I had the psychotic break, my housemate had to phone the psychologist I had planned to see and the ambulance to take me to emergency. I wasn't sure if the ambulance was bringing me to church to be held accountable before a board or to the hospital; my reality was truly distorted. When I arrived in hospital I kept asking if certain people were ok because of the paranoia. I thought I was being watched and had irrational fears that my actions and thoughts had caused people to die and that I needed to be held accountable.

I was released from hospital into my family's care and soon found myself back in hospital. I am thankful to have a supportive family who have walked this journey with me. I was in and out of hospital for the following weeks, months and even encountered sexual assault by another patient in hospital. Hospital was meant to be a safe place for me to heal, I didn't even realise I had been sexually assaulted at the time and have been processing those thoughts since.

Where am I now?

I was stuck in a cycle of depression for about 5 months until my family stepped in and was able to get some medication to help prevent another schizophrenic psychotic break. I am very thankful. I am now on new medication for less than a week and it is very promising. I am eternally thankful for everyone who has contributed and continues to contribute to my healing journey.

The root of my depression stemmed from me thinking I would never have a family of my own. No husband or kids, no legacy. I've always longed to be a mother. I helped raise my niece for several years, have taken care of many families' children, done mission trips to Philippines, Mozambique, India, Australia and New Zealand to help people. I was so lost thinking I had nothing to hope or long for anymore. I am thankful I am out of that mindset and have something/someone to look forward to. We have this hope as an anchor for our souls. Jesus Christ is our living hope.

Life can be short, life can be long. It's full of choices to act or not to act are choices. I choose to not be passive and reactive. I want to be a proactive change-maker.

Does anybody else want to make a difference in the world?

Has anybody else struggled navigating life?

What is life that you are mindful of us?

Psalms 8 (NLT)

1 O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!

Your glory is higher than the heavens.

2  You have taught children and infants to tell of your strength, silencing your enemies and all who oppose you.

3  When I look at the night sky and see the work of your fingers— the moon and the stars you set in place

4  what are mere mortals that you should think about them, human beings that you should care for them?

5  Yet you made them only a little lower than God and crowned them with glory and honour.

6  You gave them charge of everything you made, putting all things under their authority—7  the flocks and the herds and all the wild animals,

8 the birds in the sky, the fish in the sea, and everything that swims the ocean currents.

9  O Lord, our Lord, your majestic name fills the earth!

How did I heal?

Yes, medication helped, a supportive family and community (as I've been able to reach out to friends slowly). But, the main factor has been God. Whether it be worship music, reading the Bible, attending church, being edified by people, speaking up about my trauma, going for daily walks, playing with the family dogs more; it all contributes. Talking to a psychotherapist, psychiatrist and GP specialising in mental health has helped me greatly.

I do, strongly believe that if it wasn't for God's grace, I wouldn't be here today. I had lost my purpose, but I am finding it again. There have been many revised editions of me, but the main thing is God remains the constant, unshakeable force. Listening to Holy Spirit's unctions, remembering Christ's sacrifice that it has already been paid for and seeing the Father as a good father who gives good gifts to His children despite us living in a broken and hurt world full of broken and hurt people who all need reconciliation and forgiveness. I remember that He is the God of legacy and generations. He is my Lord and Saviour. I hope He can be yours too.

I encourage you not to be afraid to speak up and speak out.